Quotes
Constructive Living Quotes from Books by David K. Reynolds, Ph.D.
Playing Ball on Running Water. New York, Morrow, 1984.
No one can heal a mind. p. 13
Reality doesn't respond to my will or my wishes or my emotions...it is what I do that affects my world...You don't need to change how you feel about something to affect it. p. 16
Insight alone is, for many, a way of avoiding making the effortful, sometimes painful, changes in behavior that are necessary... p. 17
No one can guarantee a life of good feelings. No one can guarantee that our efforts will bring the results we hope for. p. 18
To hold one of us responsible for another's behavior is meaningless for the one and demeaning for the other. p. 20
Acting on reality gets us some response from reality. And it is that response that tells us about ourselves in the world. We learn our true capabilities, our true limitations, and, invariably, what needs to be done next. p. 36
The purposes...are quite clear...to teach students to accept feelings as they are, to know their purposes, and to do what needs to be done. p. 51
There is a myth in our culture that something magical occurs during an hour of psychotherapy. I call it the myth of the golden hour. p. 56
Reality doesn't bring us things to do according to some ideal schedule that we have planned in our minds. p. 62
Patience may be developed indirectly through the act of waiting again and again. p. 62
I mistrust anyone who offers constant happiness, endless success, instant confidence, or effortless self-growth. p. 64
We don't need to know everything about everything before putting our bodies in motion. p. 71
Talk, talk, talk. How often it is used to back away from reality. p. 73
Confidence comes after we have done our work and succeeded, not before. p. 137
Anguish becomes more bearable when we know that we are doing all that we can to relieve constructively the conditions that cause the anguish. p. 143
Feelings fade over time. p. 155
Morita said that maturity isn't succeeding all the time; maturity is continuing to try even when we are failing. pp. 161-162
Even in Summer the Ice Doesn't Melt. New York, Morrow, 1986.
When you read below that we all have multiple personalities, that therapy shouldn't aim at the reduction of anxiety and depression, that every unpleasant "symptom" comes from a positive desire, that feelings are directly uncontrollable, that no one knows why we behave as we do, that change can only come about "now," that what we attend to is all that we know in any given moment, and that grief totally disappears when we don't pay attention to it, remember that the words were chosen carefully. p. 5
Part of maturity is taking responsibility for what we do, no matter what we are feeling. p. 12
There is no way to control feelings with any certainty and consistency. p. 12
After viewing our impotence it becomes more reasonable to ask the situation what needs to be done rather than trying to impose our will on it. p. 13
The myth of the self-made person is bankrupt. p. 14
There seems to be no purpose in digging for anger that someone else believes must be hidden somewhere in my psyche. p. 19
The simplified explanations of life built upon uncaring fathers and overprotective mothers and expectable feelings may have some value because they make us believe that we have a handle on why we are the way we are. But they aren't true. p. 20
What is certain is that I am sometimes this, sometimes that. p. 22
I don't need to understand (feelings) fully or to solve or to dissolve them somehow in order to get on with my life. p. 23
Reality keeps bringing us fresh moments with which to work, to live our lives. pp. 32-33
We are what we do. p. 37
Even the most unpleasant feelings are the natural result of our wanting to live and to live fully. p. 41
Fortunately, we have the ability to create a new past by means of changing what we are doing now. p. 49
It is all too easy to sidestep responsibility for what we do by labeling our problem an illness, a medical problem. But it is sheer absurdity. p. 51
My recommendation for the anticipatory anxiety he felt about undertaking a life outside the hospital was to go ahead and be anxious. p. 66
Continued complaining simply makes us skillful complainers. p. 74
This attitude is part of the treasuring of all things because all things are borrowed. There is nothing that is truly mine. p. 98
Water Bears No Scars. New York, Morrow, 1987.
Much of psychotherapy as practiced in the West today is little more than clever conversation. p. 20
The assignment to greet one's neighbors is built on the recognition that neurosis grows as much from social/moral errors as from wrong understandings and unpleasant feelings. p. 21
There is nothing wrong with using common sense and wisdom in the psychotherapy setting. p. 21
Unpleasant feelings and sensory experiences such as anxiety, fear, pain, and discomfort are disturbing but indispensable to our existence. p. 22
Every kind of hurt directs us to some positive self-developing action. p. 23
Feelings fade over time if left as they are. p. 23
Focusing on feelings may prolong them, particularly when the circumstances that stimulate them reoccur. p. 24
A feeling-based life is in danger of extreme ups and downs. A purpose-oriented life or a behavior-oriented life is more stable and, in the long run, more satisfying. p. 25
Neurosis is not a disease of the brain or nervous system...it can be unlearned. p. 26
What we cannot change we must live with as we go about accomplishing our purposes. p. 26
The wage earner who goes to work early, returns home late, thinks only about office matters...is, in a sense, suffering from a life-narrowing obsession much like that of the symptom-focused neurotic. p. 28
It is possible to rest by shifting from one kind of task to another. p. 31
Life is built on moment-by-moment doing. those moments are all we have. p. 37
There is something about getting into one's running clothes that prepares one for running. p. 39
There's no need to get yourself to do it. Just do it. p. 41
Living constructively right now is cure. p. 42
In those moments when we lose ourselves in constructive activity, our neurotic suffering is gone. p. 42
Neurotic thinking is filled with the symbolizing that interferes with our seeing what reality presents to us. p. 44
We are all afraid of extreme change, uncertainty, death, fate, and "getting well." We often choose the familiarity of boredom and suffering rather than the uncertainty of change. p. 45
What you are doing now isn't "preparing" you for self-improvement. It either is self-improvement or it is not. p. 46
Life doesn't present itself in episodes or scenes. It is a continuous flow... p. 51
We organize our pasts to give ourselves orderly and memorable histories...we create dramas and villains and elaborate plots. p. 52
Can you already see that life never presents us with "problems," only with events?...Can you already see that the changeableness that is you need not be bound by labels such as "neurotic" or "lazy" or "coldhearted" or "lonely" or "insecure"? p. 53
Easing life circumstances won't allow the client to develop the confidence that comes from overcoming those circumstances. p. 54
It isn't that I don't care about my students' pain. It is just that trying to erase it will only cause more pain in the long run. p. 54
The satisfaction of giving to someone else while one is suffering, without mentioning a word about one's own plight, deepens character. p. 54
Rather than trying to become someone who doesn't feel the pain, it is more realistic and finer to become one who doesn't let the hurt dictate what one does. p. 57
I recommend to Stephen that he thank his mind each time that message of dissatisfaction appears. His mind will continue to make him miserable until he changes his actions. p. 58
Anxiety is natural. Shyness is natural. Anticipatory worry is natural. p. 59
Helen tells me her parents don't properly love her. I ask her to look at the specific ways in which her failure to hold down a job, her shyness, and her reluctance to talk to her parents have caused trouble for them. p. 59
But those who diligently look at the troubles they cause others and the favors others are doing for them find the exercise of great value. p. 60
To work and succeed and play and love while pretending it will all last, while ignoring the fragile "momentariness" of it all, is to miss the chance for depth in all these activities. p. 67
There is nothing ennobling about suffering itself. But in striving while suffering we move beyond ourselves to become new creatures... p. 68
Much of my work consists of saying the same things over and over again in novel ways so as to hold the attention of my clients. p. 70
In the past when Paul was true to his feelings, he was only acting in concert with some of his feelings, the ones he chose to focus on, the negative ones. p. 72
Some of my students aren't hurting enough. They hurt just enough to feel mildly uncomfortable and not enough to use the hurt to push themselves to make basic changes in their lives. p. 75
There is no use trying to make death pleasant or life free of anxiety. p. 75
The measure of an effective course or a wise guide lies in the pressure it exerts on the student to put into practice a realistic lifeway. Beautiful philosophical talk only prepares the student for more philosophical talk. p. 77
Don't work in the hope of becoming cured. p. 78
Scrubbing a toilet need not produce joyful satisfaction. It is enough that the toilet gets clean. p. 79
There's no need to try to psyche ourselves into believing how terrific we are. The reality is that we're not terrific all the time. p. 79
Cure for neurosis lies not in subtracting symptoms but in adding character. p. 79
Purposeful action in the presence of fear is what we mean by "overcoming the fear." p. 83
In his day Morita, too, encountered what I call self-growth junkies. They are people who run from one trendy self-development process to another, sampling each, mastering none. p. 83
For the graduate of this lifeway, summer is hot and winter is cold. p. 84
Some people try to cling to a teacher or a philosophical system to save them from their misery. p. 85
Put simply, reality has provided us with plenty of information about the results of self-centered, neurotic behavior. Whether we noticed the results or not is one issue; whether we acted on our observations or not is another. p. 86
Neurotically sensitive persons may want to see some grand meaning in a task before undertaking it. p. 86
We keep bringing our bodies back to the task until we finish it. p. 87
Most of us know what needs to be done most of the time; too many of us have developed intellectualizing, fantasizing skills that distract us from what we know needs doing. p. 88
Our wishes and direct efforts by will to make any feeling go away only serves to intensify it. p. 89
Those who want success most have the greatest fear of failure. p. 90
A strong desire or need inevitably generates a corresponding anxiety about failure or loss in that area. p. 90
Those without great doubts and great suffering are unlikely to produce great contributions to mankind. p. 91
It is not only that trying to cure oneself doesn't lead to cure, but also that trying to cure oneself is neurosis at that very moment. p. 93
There is nothing we can do to make sorrow pleasant. p. 95
Inactivity breeds inactivity. p. 95
Neurotics counter their own thoughts and arguments, too, leaving themselves paralyzed by indecision. "I could do this, but then that might happen," "I'd like to try this, but then I'd be prevented from trying that"... p. 97
The pressure to complain prevents the neurotic person from being a sensitive listener. p. 98
There's no need to understand some complex theory. I see not a few clients who are tired of trying to make sense of what their former psychotherapist was doing. p. 98
Repentance and guilt are necessary and healthy, however unpleasant and disturbing they feel. p. 99
When past mistakes can't be corrected through reconstructive action (when a parent has died, for example), then we must work to repay those we live with today for our mistakes of yesterday. What else can we do? p. 99
Morita saw quitting work as a great tragedy for neurotically sensitive people. p. 101
The immature person builds a self-image based on the appearances of others. p. 103
Enlightenment is acting realistically. p. 103
Morita noted that by the time some people had worked to save up enough money for private inpatient treatment, they no longer needed it. p. 108
None of us relishes taking a clear, cool look at our own limitations and faults. But reality is persistent. It keeps reminding us through a variety of means in a variety of situations what needs our attention and effort to improve. p. 116
Many important and worthwhile life tasks show no apparent results. We must undertake them not because we can accomplish them in our lifetime but because they are worthy of our effort. p. 118
Anyone who consistently takes the soft and easy course turns out soft and easy. p. 136
Acceptance may not eliminate the self-doubts, but the self-doubts become acceptable, too. p. 147
Successful people, too, have moments of despair. p. 150
There is nothing wrong with dreaming, unless we only dream. p. 152
Nevertheless, with all this complexity, we must act. p. 154
Thirsty Swimming in the Lake. New York, William Morrow, 1991
We are truly ourselves only when we act. We define who we are by what we do. The locus of control in our lives lies in our behavior.
Feelings are a natural part of reality and must be accepted without direct struggle.
When we have behaved ourselves into destructive habits we must behave ourselves out of them.
It is easier to ponder the meaning of life than to fold towels neatly over and over again.
If there is to be religion, it must be woven through everyday experience. If you are searching for God you must find that Being within your stream of awareness.
Our own misery and self-centeredness interfere with our ability to see our parents' and others' efforts in our behalf.
Potential isn't worth anything until it is properly developed through education, self-discipline and hard work.
There is a voice that prompts us to change to more difficult work when we have mastered a task, when we are doing our best at work that is less than the work of which we are capable.
Feelings are natural. This moment's feelings fit this moment's me-reality; they are a natural element in this now.
Obsession boils down reality to rigid bite-size chunks that is no longer reality.
Recognizing and understanding our tendencies doesn't excuse them. Insight and understanding, like potential, are cheap.
Suggestion reduces the student's ability to make his/her own judgments. Suggestion narrows the student's focus
There is no steady climb out of harmful habits. Temporary setbacks and unexpected challenges are common. Hello anxiety. You again? Come on along, but I'm busy now.
Pools of Lodging for the Moon. New York, Morrow, 1989.
Effort is success. p. 16
Neurotic suffering grows from self-centeredness. p. 22
We can trust proper action to produce proper character. p. 26
We are just another means of achieving Reality's purposes. p. 28
There are two ways to live a marriage--with gratitude or with grit. p.33
Critical people operate in a world of faults and dissatisfaction which includes their own self-image. p. 37 We can assure ourselves misery by believing that we got where we are solely by our own efforts. p. 38
Feel despair but take out the trash. p. 39
It's quite all right to be the fool who lives life well. p. 39
Constructive living is more than making a living; it's my life. p. 48
When carried out properly, drinking a cup of coffee is no small thing. p. 55
When life (Reality) isn't going as we hoped or expected there is distress but also something to be learned, something different that needs doing. p. 57
Failure or even anticipated potential failure is painful in direct proportion to our wishes to succeed. p. 58
There is nothing I have learned in the scientific psychological West or the mystical East which makes me enjoy hurting. p. 59
Pain gets my attention. It says, "Do something about me!" Rational, logical arguments don't seem to have much effect on pain. p. 59
As I paint, what needs doing keeps emerging from the paper. p. 61
Attention to our immediate tasks, an active and positive life-style, and the acceptance of inevitable change as a part of human existence are fundamental to our Constructive living teaching. p. 63
Even within the dyad, neurotic love demands that one get one's own share. p. 67
Seeing so much of this imaginative drama, some people begin to believe that they are dominated by the same powerful feelings portrayed by actors and actresses. It isn't so. p. 68
We cannot generate gratitude simply by telling ourselves to be grateful. p. 71
Some people are hurting so badly that they want to be like everyone else. They are mistaken in two ways. They think that others don't hurt, at least in the same ways and to the same extent that they do. And they think that they can become like everybody else. p. 79
It is as though therapists were trying to teach a college course to patients who never attended grammar school. p. 83
Somewhere along the way you have to sleep alone. p. 110
When a house if filled with rights, there is no room for gifts. p. 111
If you think that what you are about to clean today will only be dirty again tomorrow, you'll never get anything done. p. 114
It is time to give serious thought to what psychotherapy is about and what it ought to be about. p. 192
A Thousand Waves. New York, Morrow, 1990.
We never have direct control over our natural feelings, but sometimes we can affect our affect by our actions. p. 26
The more we allow feelings to govern our lives, the more they spread to govern even larger areas of life. pp. 26-27 You can't make good feelings last and last; you can't make bad feelings go away at will. p. 27
We are rather like the cursor markers on the computer screen of reality. p. 29
The world just never seems to send us green lights and lottery prizes and kind words when we want them. And we want them nearly all the time. p. 30
Starting with our parents, our attitude shifts from how little we have received from them and how much more they owe us to one of how much we have received from them and how important it is to start working on giving back something to them. I'm not suggesting that all parents are perfect and that they have done a perfect job in raising us. But I am asserting that there were some adults in our lives who fed and clothed us and nurtured us when we were small. They did it whether they were in the mood or not, over and over again, whether we felt appreciative or showed them gratitude or not; or we wouldn't have survived to be here today. p. 31
The most joyful people I have known have all been people who gave themselves away to others. The most miserable people I have known have all been concerned with looking out for themselves. p. 32
Despite commercials to the contrary, looking out for number one is a sure path to torment. p. 32
Nearly anyone can make a living by offering some miraculous freedom from human suffering, some endless joy, some direct control over emotions...But people with their eyes on reality are beginning to see the foolishness and emptiness of miracle cures for living. p. 38
I haven't met a person who is free of suffering. p. 39
Constructive living helps you to recognize yourself as you really are, accept the whole mixed bag of you, and get on about living. Constructive living is a way to become nothing special. p. 41
As Morita put it, "The view from the high mountain is worth the climb." p. 41
We discover life meaning by acting in life, by doing. In the doing we create purposes as we go along...Most often
Each new moment is a birth and each past moment is a death for...all of us. p. 56
Life always implies desires that exceed realistic limits. p. 63
Neurosis is being caught by this discrepancy between what is desired and what is possible. Neurosis involves a misdirection of attention toward this inherently insoluble problem of life. pp. 63-64
To be alive is to need, to succeed and to fail, to be sometimes anxious and sometimes confident, sometimes regretful and sometimes satisfied. Life is just fine like that. p. 64
The danger of mental crutches is that sometimes they work...Then we run the risk of becoming feeling-centered again. p. 69
It isn't that my efforts now will result in success tomorrow. My diligent efforts now are success. p. 71
All the talk about motivation and addictive personality and mental readiness and decision making and positive thinking are ephemeral wisps compared to the truth of reality. p. 72
There are lots of hangers in the closets of our pasts...no single event 0 experience determines who we are. p. 75
Western psychology has taught us little about the operation of the human mind. p. 78
Both the Morita therapy and Naikan elements of Constructive Living require us to view every act as having moral implications. p. 82
Talking about Constructive Living is rather like hearing sports figures interviewed. Their talk is nothing compared to their performance. p. 83
Entrenched psychiatry departments stick to psychoanalysis and behavior therapy like they stick to IBM computers. They may not be the best and they may not be the most cost effective, but they are a safe managerial choice. p. 86
It is time that psychotherapists stop pretending they know what they don't really know. p. 87
We have been taught to focus on the faults and limitations of our parents and other significant others in our lives...We can blame them for our hang-ups and deficiencies. How convenient for us. p. 101
You can tell something about people's level of Naikan by observing how many paper towels they use in a public restroom or whether they leave the water running as they brush their teeth or how often they say or write thank you to their mother and father or what they do first when they come home from work. pp. 101-102
Unfolded pajamas means lack of proper gratitude toward the pajamas. Unshined shoes, an unmade bed, unwashed dishes are examples of the same principle. p. 103
In sum, then, it seems important for me to get on with living even though my understanding is terribly imperfect, even though reality doesn't meet my standards of ideal perfection, even though I am a flawed creature unsuited for easy accomplishment of many of the tasks I have set for myself. p. 108
Reality, the only show in town. Now playing. p. 133
In life you have to break in your own shoes. Some people try to do that by running away. 149
Rainbow Rising from a Stream. Morrow, New York, 1992.
Constructive Living (CL) is about being realistic. p. 8
Doing what needs to be done is about the natural, proper, fitting response to what springs from one's environment... Do what needs doing means fitting one's actions to the situation or circumstance. p. 16
You have been taught that feelings are the most important thing in your life. It isn't so. At the root of many problems in our country is this feeling-focus... You have been taught that you can "work on" your unpleasant feelings. It can't be done. Not only is it impossible to "work on" your depressed or anxious feelings; moreover, you have no need to "work on" them. p. 16
We invite our students to "try it and see what happens." We point out the undeniable truth that "you can't hit your wife if you're not in the same room with her." "You have no chance of succeeding on a job interview if you don't show up for the interview." p. 18
Constructive Living helps us take a realistic view of our imperfection, our unrealistic expectations, our flawed world. And we get on with our lives. p. 18
It is that very effort to eliminate neurotic moments from the mind that has caused some people to fall into an excess of suffering. Do what is right (not in some narrow moral sense, but what is appropriate, fitting, suitable to the situation), and the mind will take care of itself. There is no need to make a decision or commitment, no need to be empowered, no need to organize oneself or pull oneself together. p. 25
It is all right to dwell on past mistakes, to give up hope, to think negatively--while doing mindfully what is right in front of one's nose what needs doing. p. 26
Achieving some understanding of how our minds work neither gets rid of old habits of thinking and feeling nor eliminates the life problems associated with them. p. 27
In more recent times some people believe that salvation lies in discovering past childhood sexual abuse and allowing rage to emerge and be expressed. Salvation doesn't come that cheaply or that simply or that suddenly. Salvation, if such there be, must find itself worked out over and over moment by moment in life's eternal present. p. 28
Uncovering hidden feelings is rather like discovering hidden evil spirits and exorcising them. They don't exist, but if you can convince someone that they do exist you can charge them to get rid of them. p. 28
Neurosis isn't cured. It is outgrown or endured like an elder sibling's clothes. p. 31
Every feeling is a new feeling, just as every moment is a fresh one, emerging from and into Reality. p. 33
No amount of skill will remove our emotional reactions to disturbing or exciting stimuli..Emotions provide information about our world; to diminish them would be like wearing blinders. p. 37
Feelings send us important messages about what needs to be done in our lives. Don't forget that they are NOT the ONLY messages; they should not be the only determinants of our behavior. So working to "fix" feelings, instead of working to notice them and understand their messages, is a mistake. p. 37
My basic objection to alcohol and other drugs is that they interfere with our perception of reality. p. 41
Our eyes don't make reality holy, our actions don't make reality holy, it simply is that way. How reassuring! Because sometimes we forget. p. 46
Where do the fresh moments we experience come from? Where do our thoughts come from? Where do the words we speak come from? Where does the rich variety of Reality come from? p. 46
I want to put the mystery and transcendence back into our perception of everyday reality where it belongs. We can only see reality as "ordinary" by ignoring its magnificence. And so I resist making Constructive Living into a form of therapy, like Morita therapy and Naikan therapy. I want these ideas to be natural, normal parts of everyday life--not set apart as special techniques applicable only to the neurotic. p. 46
Delight brings the fear of losing the delight; success brings worries about sustaining the success. Good health brings concerns about losing it. The neurotic side of us finds the dark shadows surrounding every patch of sunlight. p. 56
What I am contending is that the discomfort we feel sometimes spurs us to do important things in our lives, and, sometimes, there are more important things for us to do than fight against discomfort. p. 61
We label the events in our lives "tragedies," "successes," "nightmares," "triumphs," "challenges," "defeats," and so forth. Reality doesn't mind, It just keeps on presenting us with information that deserves our attention and action. What we do about what Reality brings us is up to us. p. 63
We all learn to live in spite of our knowledge that we shall die someday. Whatever fate has in store for us, the anticipatory anxiety cannot be so disabling that we cannot live fully now. p. 65
I never met a mind that didn't judge. That's what minds do--they discriminate, evaluate. Everybody's mind does that. What makes some humans stand out from others is that they don't let their judging minds push their behavior around. p. 72
Getting caught up in an obsession with perfecting the mind is itself a sort of narrow-mindedness. p. 72
A life philosophy is the product of one's life, not the other way around. We don't choose a lifeway and then live by it. We grow a life philosophy over years of living one. p. 74
When feelings are considered to be merely markers of past parental mistakes or signs of current psychological diagnostic categories or indications of the working of the unconscious (or other mystical, untestable constructions) then the feelings themselves are primarily tokens of "more important" phenomena. p. 77
Creative thoughts, like any thoughts, come from nowhere or some "unknownwhere" and flash into my mind. p. 79
Creative ideas and grand dreams are fairly common; actualizing them is much less common. p. 80
The best way to meet others' needs is not to be their obedient slave. That is mere cowardice and laziness. p. 82
We all have scrapes on our knees. Scrapes, too, are nothing special. p. 85
I used to think that some people were born with common sense and some were born without it. Now I know that common sense is earned by many experiences and many failures. p. 85
Reality keeps telling us that we do and die alone, no matter how many people are nearby. p. 86
Pride in oneself is a pale cousin to the much more solid confidence in reality. p. 87
Giving yourself away out of habit or timidity is merely inefficient and exhausting. p. 88
It is fine to be a beginner, even a fool. We can't be proficient at everything, especially at first. Experience gives us a shot at competency. Daydreams don't. p. 90
My earnings are the result of a cooperative venture whether I choose to recognize it or not. p. 104
The reflection aspect of Constructive Living ties us into the surrounding world with particular intimacy and the desire for reciprocity. p. 109
Constructive Living is not merely another language; Constructive Living is your native language. p. 125
There is Reality's work only you can do. p. 126
Happy birthday, Mom. Without yours I wouldn't have one. Love, Your child. p. 126
I've had lots of troubles in my life and most of them never happened. --David Miles p. 126
Plunging Through the Clouds. Albany, SUNY Press, 1993.
There is no worry-free existence for humans. p. ix
The hope of completely eliminating neurotic suffering either by talking or by medication seems pretty much gone, I think. p. ix
Talking with the aim of developing some magical insight does little more than make self-centered people more self-centered. Students learn that it is unnecessary to 'fix' feelings or become 'comfortable' with an activity before undertaking it. p. ix
Deserving or not, we continue to be supported by reality. Gratitude and a desire to work at repaying our debt to others replace our greedy endeavors to make sure we get our share. p. 7
We see too many Western clients encouraged to work on their anger, their hidden grief, their self-esteem, their lack of confidence. They are thus inappropriately distracted from the necessary action of daily living. p. 15
Constructive Living can be seen as part of a general trend away from expressive, explorative modalities toward therapeutic styles emphasizing behavioral change and responsibility. p. 16
And even as I work to reduce it I must accept all the suffering which presents itself to me, including my own. p. 24
In order to give failure the chance to become success it is necessary to continue to take constructive action. Potential success, like any other form of potential, is like collateral. It's only useful when, with help, you can turn it from possibility into reality. p. 24
Thanks to this pen I write; not to pens in general. p. 24
Reality doesn't reward intent. It can only respond to action. p. 25
Overprotection of a child is Constrictive Loving, not Constructive Living. p. 25
(Morita) remarked that he would go out of this world as he had come into it, afraid and crying. There was no need to affect some artificial postureナ p. 172
People don't change by preaching. -Yoshimoto p. 180
You are fooled by your mind, which thinks there will be a tomorrow, into wasting yourself today. -Yoshimoto p. 182
Constructive Living. Honolulu, University of Hawaii Press, 1984.
In other words, we only hurt when we notice that we are hurting. p. 3
Each of us is aware, painfully aware, of some of the ways we keep ourselves from being who we want to be. p. 9 Neurotic obsessed suffering is essential for greatness. p. 23
That reality of pain will rise into our awareness again and again to test the measure of our life solutions. p. 23
A trip of ten thousand miles starts out with one step, not with a fantasy about travel. p. 24
It is the action of walking that shows us where the path leads. p. 24
If we understand the meaning behind what appears to be a lie, we find truth. p. 26
Behind every neurotic symptom is the misdirected desire to live fully and well. p. 27
Failure presents something else for us to do, just as success does. p. 30
Never deny reality. To pretend, to ignore, to wish never changes anything. p. 35
Shyness isn't like a blemish. It isn't something that can be neatly excised by some mystical mental surgery. p. 35
That's what maturity is all about--not feeling confident all the time but doing what needs doing regardless of your feelings. p. 37
Anyone who says he isn't afraid of anything is both stupid and lying. Fear is a healthy emotion. p. 40
Stress comes with success as well as with failure. p. 42
Grief doesn't automatically bring qualities of strength, depth of character, and empathy. It is the response to grief that enables us to grow. p. 46
Illness sets up a new set of constraints and possibilities for life. p. 49
If there's anything that pain does very well, it is to bring us back to the here and now and force us to find meaning in the present. p. 49
Some patients pass away skillfully. That is a remarkable feat because almost no one has the chance to practice dying. p. 50
If you have to be perfect before offering help to those nearby, you will never lend a hand. p. 54
Love comes and goes. It fades in time unless restimulated. p. 55
Unless your behavior remains under the control of your good sense, romance will lead you into trouble and then slip away, leaving you with memories and regrets. p. 55
Love grown wisely and patiently presents a perfect opportunity to give up the self in a positive way. p. 58
You might be surprised at how many people are hurting but don't want to change their lives. p. 64
To be courageous or to feel courage is not the same as to do courage. p. 65
Society doesn't force us to do anything. Society, like neurosis, is an abstraction...We're influenced by real circumstances and real people, not by the abstraction "society." p. 67
Dying is neither good nor bad. It is just part of life driving: purposeful, destination-bound driving. All the while noticing the scenery. p. 70
I believe we have entered an era in which we can no longer afford therapies that push for expression of feelings at the cost of responsibility...Psychotherapies fit the times. In eras of affluence we find therapies that emphasize expressiveness and consumption--the conspicuous display of years of expensive psychoanalysis, for example...Our natural resources and our basic environmental quality are declining as a result of years of self-centered unconcern and a self-expressive value system that ignored responsibility and service and patience. p. 75
It is the achieving, not the achievement, that is valuable and controllable. Remember: Whether success or failure comes, reality always brings something to be done next. p. 80
The next time you feel depressed and unloved make something with your own hands for someone else. p. 86
Pick a time when you have been sitting around feeling sorry for yourself, grab some big bags, and set out to fill them with litter from your neighborhood. p. 86
The key to successful living is to pay attention and act purposefully. Life won't be trouble free that way--but then no life is trouble free. p. 92
Don't put your life on hold. p. 93
Have it be the way it is. p. 93
Self-centeredness is suffering. p. 97
Flounder with full attention. p. 98
Feelings are for feeling. Feelings aren't for explaining, for justifying, or for acting out. p. 99
If it's raining and you have an umbrella, use it. Don't endure unpleasant circumstances that can be changed by action. p. 99
Behavior wags the tail of feelings. p. 100
Flowing Bridges, Quiet Waters. Reynolds, David K., ed. Albany, SUNY Press, 1989.
To automatically discount the potential usefulness of a therapy form only because it originated elsewhere seems harsh. p. 2
While recognizing that parents may cause difficulties for their children, Naikan asks the client to consider as well the services parents provided and the troubles children caused them. Someone in our past changed our diapers and their service or cooperated in it or not. p. 7
Naikan theory holds that we systematically ignore our debt to the world because we fear the consequences of facing it. p. 7
One key advantage of redefining the self as situationally-couched is that the promise of flexibility is clear; we change as our circumstances change. p. 13
There is no fixed character, set in the first four years or so of life, that will determine our lives in some inevitable manner. p. 13
In 1988 the World Health Organization and the government of the People's Republic of China sponsored a workshop where I trained Chinese psychiatrists in Constructive Living. p. 16
Constructive Living teaches only how to be "nothing special." p. 21
We are all takers from the world. p. 32
Of course, these systems make no claim to solve all human problems for all humans. Those poor people who are suffering from neurosis still need jobs, cancer patients still need medication, the socially oppressed still need structural and value changes in the larger society...Recognizing the concrete, detailed truth that someone nurtured us, fed us, clothed us when we were helpless infants (whether they felt like it or not, whether we appreciated and thanked them or not) is an important consideration for the battered wife and for the rape victim and for the alienated businessman and for the elite college professor. p. 181
Our social debts may not be ignored as we act to attain/preserve our social rights. p. 181
Some have misunderstood Morita and Naikan therapies to be supportive of the status quo. Far from it. p. 181
The Quiet Therapies. Honolulu, University Press of Hawaii, 1980.
He has provided us with a kind of phenomenological operationalism, a guide to arriving at certain experiences. p. 3
If limited categorical definitions of human experience are all science can use, then perhaps no accurate understanding of human experience is possible. But if we allow empathy, introspection, and operational approaches to experience into respectable scientific circles, we might begin to map out a fuller predictive science of the mind. p. 3
Submitting to my whims or fancies or moods produces no satisfaction with myself or with life; such submission produces little other than painful confrontations with reality (deadlines, for example, or periods of sitting around feeling vaguely depressed, trying to decide what I feel like doing. p. 16
My goal in the moment is to write. I write. Distractions come. They pass through my mind...Clinging to my purpose, I write. And, without fail, once the putting of words on paper has begun, there are periods in which I am only writing. p. 17
That is, much of life is lived (acted on) because something simply has to be done--and not because one feels like doing it. p. 17
As time passed, Morita's notions began to make not only academic, but also experiential, sense to me. p. 37
The past is fixed; we cannot change it. The traumas and failures of my past life cannot be undone. But my understanding of my past can change. p. 48
In the process of growing up we develop life strategies that emphasize what we can take from others. We accept numerous kindnesses without acknowledging, appreciating, or extending them (either in return to or along to others). p. 49
One does not--one did not--suffer alone. Naikan promises such discoveries of self. p. 65
How much of our lives is spent in reverie, in wishing for what cannot be, in regretting what might have been avoided. These obsessions steal from us the moments of the now. p. 94
We hide from our impotence and aloneness in shelters of conformity, routine, dependency; in the limited cellars of sex, power, and money; in the illusion that tomorrow will not bring pain, suffering, aging, and death. p. 100
We tend to describe ourselves in terms of absolutes. Am I weak or strong?..But when I look within myself, when I examine my experience carefully, I find a condition much too complex to be put into words. I am both weak and strong in various mixtures in various situations in various times...lt is the change or flux that is real. p. 102
The misfocused mind is overly self-focused, selfish. p. 103
Talking may be used to reveal oneself to oneself and to others. But perhaps it is used more often to disguise and conceal our inner states. pp. 103-104
The sadness, joy, hope, fear, loneliness, passion, and despair of each moment becomes acceptable title pages to the constantly changing monograph of my life. No experience needs to be hidden away in a footnote or appendix. p. 106
With few, minor exceptions, Western psychotherapy can be characterized as verbal exchanges aimed at elimination of symptoms. p. 110
My symptoms are me. They are not an external, isolated problem of mine... p. 110
Naikan Psychotherapy: Meditation for Self Development. Chicago, University of Chicago Press, 1983.
For Naikan offers this profound insight into human existence: that each of us, by his or her own standards, fails to live a life of balanced giving and receiving. We take without thought, much less gratitude. p. 1
Naikan produces guilt, to be sure. But it is not the shallow, immobilizing guilt of the neurotic. Rather it is a healthy, realistic, penetrating guilt which prods to purposeful action, self-sacrifice, and the soothing awareness that despite one's own limitations others have continued to provide love and support. p. 1
Naikan taps the energy we us to hide our dark side from others and from ourselves. It turns that energy of camouflage into gratitude, repentance, and an awareness that we were loved, are loved in spite of our imperfections. p. 3
The gratitude spreads beyond human relationships to the grateful use of things. Water, air, electricity can be used well, allowing these life elements to fulfill their purposes before "dying." p. 87
We have indulged in the unmerited favor of those around us, quickly forgetting the large and small deeds afforded us by others, 'remembering, rather, what we have done for them and the trouble they have caused us. p.89
If one could truly stand in another's shoes one would not do him wrong. p. 90
We learn early to use people, to take from them and to cover up our taking...When we understand who we really are there is no need for external commands to do this or do that, rather, spontaneously, even joyfully we lose ourselves in the service of those around us. p. 90
Cure doesn't necessarily mean doing away with the presenting complaint. p. 99
If this norm of reciprocity...is universal, as both Gouldner and Yoshimoto hold, it appears that Naikan is tapping something broader than narrow Japanese cultural norms, something panhuman. p. 102
What have you done lately for water, or your pen, or your reading chair? p. 104
The neurotic, suffering person has the potential for an even better than normal life once his improper, inefficient suffering-producing attitudes and behaviors are properly channeled. p. 112
The tears are not only tears of remorse but more often tears of relief at being able to think and speak about the self-centered, voracious aspect of one's identity. p. 133
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Playing Ball on Running Water. New York, Morrow, 1984.
No one can heal a mind. p. 13
Reality doesn't respond to my will or my wishes or my emotions...it is what I do that affects my world...You don't need to change how you feel about something to affect it. p. 16
Insight alone is, for many, a way of avoiding making the effortful, sometimes painful, changes in behavior that are necessary... p. 17
No one can guarantee a life of good feelings. No one can guarantee that our efforts will bring the results we hope for. p. 18
To hold one of us responsible for another's behavior is meaningless for the one and demeaning for the other. p. 20
Acting on reality gets us some response from reality. And it is that response that tells us about ourselves in the world. We learn our true capabilities, our true limitations, and, invariably, what needs to be done next. p. 36
The purposes...are quite clear...to teach students to accept feelings as they are, to know their purposes, and to do what needs to be done. p. 51
There is a myth in our culture that something magical occurs during an hour of psychotherapy. I call it the myth of the golden hour. p. 56
Reality doesn't bring us things to do according to some ideal schedule that we have planned in our minds. p. 62
Patience may be developed indirectly through the act of waiting again and again. p. 62
I mistrust anyone who offers constant happiness, endless success, instant confidence, or effortless self-growth. p. 64
We don't need to know everything about everything before putting our bodies in motion. p. 71
Talk, talk, talk. How often it is used to back away from reality. p. 73
Confidence comes after we have done our work and succeeded, not before. p. 137
Anguish becomes more bearable when we know that we are doing all that we can to relieve constructively the conditions that cause the anguish. p. 143
Feelings fade over time. p. 155
Morita said that maturity isn't succeeding all the time; maturity is continuing to try even when we are failing. pp. 161-162
Even in Summer the Ice Doesn't Melt. New York, Morrow, 1986.
When you read below that we all have multiple personalities, that therapy shouldn't aim at the reduction of anxiety and depression, that every unpleasant "symptom" comes from a positive desire, that feelings are directly uncontrollable, that no one knows why we behave as we do, that change can only come about "now," that what we attend to is all that we know in any given moment, and that grief totally disappears when we don't pay attention to it, remember that the words were chosen carefully. p. 5
Part of maturity is taking responsibility for what we do, no matter what we are feeling. p. 12
There is no way to control feelings with any certainty and consistency. p. 12
After viewing our impotence it becomes more reasonable to ask the situation what needs to be done rather than trying to impose our will on it. p. 13
The myth of the self-made person is bankrupt. p. 14
There seems to be no purpose in digging for anger that someone else believes must be hidden somewhere in my psyche. p. 19
The simplified explanations of life built upon uncaring fathers and overprotective mothers and expectable feelings may have some value because they make us believe that we have a handle on why we are the way we are. But they aren't true. p. 20
What is certain is that I am sometimes this, sometimes that. p. 22
I don't need to understand (feelings) fully or to solve or to dissolve them somehow in order to get on with my life. p. 23
Reality keeps bringing us fresh moments with which to work, to live our lives. pp. 32-33
We are what we do. p. 37
Even the most unpleasant feelings are the natural result of our wanting to live and to live fully. p. 41
Fortunately, we have the ability to create a new past by means of changing what we are doing now. p. 49
It is all too easy to sidestep responsibility for what we do by labeling our problem an illness, a medical problem. But it is sheer absurdity. p. 51
My recommendation for the anticipatory anxiety he felt about undertaking a life outside the hospital was to go ahead and be anxious. p. 66
Continued complaining simply makes us skillful complainers. p. 74
This attitude is part of the treasuring of all things because all things are borrowed. There is nothing that is truly mine. p. 98
Water Bears No Scars. New York, Morrow, 1987.
Much of psychotherapy as practiced in the West today is little more than clever conversation. p. 20
The assignment to greet one's neighbors is built on the recognition that neurosis grows as much from social/moral errors as from wrong understandings and unpleasant feelings. p. 21
There is nothing wrong with using common sense and wisdom in the psychotherapy setting. p. 21
Unpleasant feelings and sensory experiences such as anxiety, fear, pain, and discomfort are disturbing but indispensable to our existence. p. 22
Every kind of hurt directs us to some positive self-developing action. p. 23
Feelings fade over time if left as they are. p. 23
Focusing on feelings may prolong them, particularly when the circumstances that stimulate them reoccur. p. 24
A feeling-based life is in danger of extreme ups and downs. A purpose-oriented life or a behavior-oriented life is more stable and, in the long run, more satisfying. p. 25
Neurosis is not a disease of the brain or nervous system...it can be unlearned. p. 26
What we cannot change we must live with as we go about accomplishing our purposes. p. 26
The wage earner who goes to work early, returns home late, thinks only about office matters...is, in a sense, suffering from a life-narrowing obsession much like that of the symptom-focused neurotic. p. 28
It is possible to rest by shifting from one kind of task to another. p. 31
Life is built on moment-by-moment doing. those moments are all we have. p. 37
There is something about getting into one's running clothes that prepares one for running. p. 39
There's no need to get yourself to do it. Just do it. p. 41
Living constructively right now is cure. p. 42
In those moments when we lose ourselves in constructive activity, our neurotic suffering is gone. p. 42
Neurotic thinking is filled with the symbolizing that interferes with our seeing what reality presents to us. p. 44
We are all afraid of extreme change, uncertainty, death, fate, and "getting well." We often choose the familiarity of boredom and suffering rather than the uncertainty of change. p. 45
What you are doing now isn't "preparing" you for self-improvement. It either is self-improvement or it is not. p. 46
Life doesn't present itself in episodes or scenes. It is a continuous flow... p. 51
We organize our pasts to give ourselves orderly and memorable histories...we create dramas and villains and elaborate plots. p. 52
Can you already see that life never presents us with "problems," only with events?...Can you already see that the changeableness that is you need not be bound by labels such as "neurotic" or "lazy" or "coldhearted" or "lonely" or "insecure"? p. 53
Easing life circumstances won't allow the client to develop the confidence that comes from overcoming those circumstances. p. 54
It isn't that I don't care about my students' pain. It is just that trying to erase it will only cause more pain in the long run. p. 54
The satisfaction of giving to someone else while one is suffering, without mentioning a word about one's own plight, deepens character. p. 54
Rather than trying to become someone who doesn't feel the pain, it is more realistic and finer to become one who doesn't let the hurt dictate what one does. p. 57
I recommend to Stephen that he thank his mind each time that message of dissatisfaction appears. His mind will continue to make him miserable until he changes his actions. p. 58
Anxiety is natural. Shyness is natural. Anticipatory worry is natural. p. 59
Helen tells me her parents don't properly love her. I ask her to look at the specific ways in which her failure to hold down a job, her shyness, and her reluctance to talk to her parents have caused trouble for them. p. 59
But those who diligently look at the troubles they cause others and the favors others are doing for them find the exercise of great value. p. 60
To work and succeed and play and love while pretending it will all last, while ignoring the fragile "momentariness" of it all, is to miss the chance for depth in all these activities. p. 67
There is nothing ennobling about suffering itself. But in striving while suffering we move beyond ourselves to become new creatures... p. 68
Much of my work consists of saying the same things over and over again in novel ways so as to hold the attention of my clients. p. 70
In the past when Paul was true to his feelings, he was only acting in concert with some of his feelings, the ones he chose to focus on, the negative ones. p. 72
Some of my students aren't hurting enough. They hurt just enough to feel mildly uncomfortable and not enough to use the hurt to push themselves to make basic changes in their lives. p. 75
There is no use trying to make death pleasant or life free of anxiety. p. 75
The measure of an effective course or a wise guide lies in the pressure it exerts on the student to put into practice a realistic lifeway. Beautiful philosophical talk only prepares the student for more philosophical talk. p. 77
Don't work in the hope of becoming cured. p. 78
Scrubbing a toilet need not produce joyful satisfaction. It is enough that the toilet gets clean. p. 79
There's no need to try to psyche ourselves into believing how terrific we are. The reality is that we're not terrific all the time. p. 79
Cure for neurosis lies not in subtracting symptoms but in adding character. p. 79
Purposeful action in the presence of fear is what we mean by "overcoming the fear." p. 83
In his day Morita, too, encountered what I call self-growth junkies. They are people who run from one trendy self-development process to another, sampling each, mastering none. p. 83
For the graduate of this lifeway, summer is hot and winter is cold. p. 84
Some people try to cling to a teacher or a philosophical system to save them from their misery. p. 85
Put simply, reality has provided us with plenty of information about the results of self-centered, neurotic behavior. Whether we noticed the results or not is one issue; whether we acted on our observations or not is another. p. 86
Neurotically sensitive persons may want to see some grand meaning in a task before undertaking it. p. 86
We keep bringing our bodies back to the task until we finish it. p. 87
Most of us know what needs to be done most of the time; too many of us have developed intellectualizing, fantasizing skills that distract us from what we know needs doing. p. 88
Our wishes and direct efforts by will to make any feeling go away only serves to intensify it. p. 89
Those who want success most have the greatest fear of failure. p. 90
A strong desire or need inevitably generates a corresponding anxiety about failure or loss in that area. p. 90
Those without great doubts and great suffering are unlikely to produce great contributions to mankind. p. 91
It is not only that trying to cure oneself doesn't lead to cure, but also that trying to cure oneself is neurosis at that very moment. p. 93
There is nothing we can do to make sorrow pleasant. p. 95
Inactivity breeds inactivity. p. 95
Neurotics counter their own thoughts and arguments, too, leaving themselves paralyzed by indecision. "I could do this, but then that might happen," "I'd like to try this, but then I'd be prevented from trying that"... p. 97
The pressure to complain prevents the neurotic person from being a sensitive listener. p. 98
There's no need to understand some complex theory. I see not a few clients who are tired of trying to make sense of what their former psychotherapist was doing. p. 98
Repentance and guilt are necessary and healthy, however unpleasant and disturbing they feel. p. 99
When past mistakes can't be corrected through reconstructive action (when a parent has died, for example), then we must work to repay those we live with today for our mistakes of yesterday. What else can we do? p. 99
Morita saw quitting work as a great tragedy for neurotically sensitive people. p. 101
The immature person builds a self-image based on the appearances of others. p. 103
Enlightenment is acting realistically. p. 103
Morita noted that by the time some people had worked to save up enough money for private inpatient treatment, they no longer needed it. p. 108
None of us relishes taking a clear, cool look at our own limitations and faults. But reality is persistent. It keeps reminding us through a variety of means in a variety of situations what needs our attention and effort to improve. p. 116
Many important and worthwhile life tasks show no apparent results. We must undertake them not because we can accomplish them in our lifetime but because they are worthy of our effort. p. 118
Anyone who consistently takes the soft and easy course turns out soft and easy. p. 136
Acceptance may not eliminate the self-doubts, but the self-doubts become acceptable, too. p. 147
Successful people, too, have moments of despair. p. 150
There is nothing wrong with dreaming, unless we only dream. p. 152
Nevertheless, with all this complexity, we must act. p. 154
Thirsty Swimming in the Lake. New York, William Morrow, 1991
We are truly ourselves only when we act. We define who we are by what we do. The locus of control in our lives lies in our behavior.
Feelings are a natural part of reality and must be accepted without direct struggle.
When we have behaved ourselves into destructive habits we must behave ourselves out of them.
It is easier to ponder the meaning of life than to fold towels neatly over and over again.
If there is to be religion, it must be woven through everyday experience. If you are searching for God you must find that Being within your stream of awareness.
Our own misery and self-centeredness interfere with our ability to see our parents' and others' efforts in our behalf.
Potential isn't worth anything until it is properly developed through education, self-discipline and hard work.
There is a voice that prompts us to change to more difficult work when we have mastered a task, when we are doing our best at work that is less than the work of which we are capable.
Feelings are natural. This moment's feelings fit this moment's me-reality; they are a natural element in this now.
Obsession boils down reality to rigid bite-size chunks that is no longer reality.
Recognizing and understanding our tendencies doesn't excuse them. Insight and understanding, like potential, are cheap.
Suggestion reduces the student's ability to make his/her own judgments. Suggestion narrows the student's focus
There is no steady climb out of harmful habits. Temporary setbacks and unexpected challenges are common. Hello anxiety. You again? Come on along, but I'm busy now.
Pools of Lodging for the Moon. New York, Morrow, 1989.
Effort is success. p. 16
Neurotic suffering grows from self-centeredness. p. 22
We can trust proper action to produce proper character. p. 26
We are just another means of achieving Reality's purposes. p. 28
There are two ways to live a marriage--with gratitude or with grit. p.33
Critical people operate in a world of faults and dissatisfaction which includes their own self-image. p. 37 We can assure ourselves misery by believing that we got where we are solely by our own efforts. p. 38
Feel despair but take out the trash. p. 39
It's quite all right to be the fool who lives life well. p. 39
Constructive living is more than making a living; it's my life. p. 48
When carried out properly, drinking a cup of coffee is no small thing. p. 55
When life (Reality) isn't going as we hoped or expected there is distress but also something to be learned, something different that needs doing. p. 57
Failure or even anticipated potential failure is painful in direct proportion to our wishes to succeed. p. 58
There is nothing I have learned in the scientific psychological West or the mystical East which makes me enjoy hurting. p. 59
Pain gets my attention. It says, "Do something about me!" Rational, logical arguments don't seem to have much effect on pain. p. 59
As I paint, what needs doing keeps emerging from the paper. p. 61
Attention to our immediate tasks, an active and positive life-style, and the acceptance of inevitable change as a part of human existence are fundamental to our Constructive living teaching. p. 63
Even within the dyad, neurotic love demands that one get one's own share. p. 67
Seeing so much of this imaginative drama, some people begin to believe that they are dominated by the same powerful feelings portrayed by actors and actresses. It isn't so. p. 68
We cannot generate gratitude simply by telling ourselves to be grateful. p. 71
Some people are hurting so badly that they want to be like everyone else. They are mistaken in two ways. They think that others don't hurt, at least in the same ways and to the same extent that they do. And they think that they can become like everybody else. p. 79
It is as though therapists were trying to teach a college course to patients who never attended grammar school. p. 83
Somewhere along the way you have to sleep alone. p. 110
When a house if filled with rights, there is no room for gifts. p. 111
If you think that what you are about to clean today will only be dirty again tomorrow, you'll never get anything done. p. 114
It is time to give serious thought to what psychotherapy is about and what it ought to be about. p. 192
A Thousand Waves. New York, Morrow, 1990.
We never have direct control over our natural feelings, but sometimes we can affect our affect by our actions. p. 26
The more we allow feelings to govern our lives, the more they spread to govern even larger areas of life. pp. 26-27 You can't make good feelings last and last; you can't make bad feelings go away at will. p. 27
We are rather like the cursor markers on the computer screen of reality. p. 29
The world just never seems to send us green lights and lottery prizes and kind words when we want them. And we want them nearly all the time. p. 30
Starting with our parents, our attitude shifts from how little we have received from them and how much more they owe us to one of how much we have received from them and how important it is to start working on giving back something to them. I'm not suggesting that all parents are perfect and that they have done a perfect job in raising us. But I am asserting that there were some adults in our lives who fed and clothed us and nurtured us when we were small. They did it whether they were in the mood or not, over and over again, whether we felt appreciative or showed them gratitude or not; or we wouldn't have survived to be here today. p. 31
The most joyful people I have known have all been people who gave themselves away to others. The most miserable people I have known have all been concerned with looking out for themselves. p. 32
Despite commercials to the contrary, looking out for number one is a sure path to torment. p. 32
Nearly anyone can make a living by offering some miraculous freedom from human suffering, some endless joy, some direct control over emotions...But people with their eyes on reality are beginning to see the foolishness and emptiness of miracle cures for living. p. 38
I haven't met a person who is free of suffering. p. 39
Constructive living helps you to recognize yourself as you really are, accept the whole mixed bag of you, and get on about living. Constructive living is a way to become nothing special. p. 41
As Morita put it, "The view from the high mountain is worth the climb." p. 41
We discover life meaning by acting in life, by doing. In the doing we create purposes as we go along...Most often
Each new moment is a birth and each past moment is a death for...all of us. p. 56
Life always implies desires that exceed realistic limits. p. 63
Neurosis is being caught by this discrepancy between what is desired and what is possible. Neurosis involves a misdirection of attention toward this inherently insoluble problem of life. pp. 63-64
To be alive is to need, to succeed and to fail, to be sometimes anxious and sometimes confident, sometimes regretful and sometimes satisfied. Life is just fine like that. p. 64
The danger of mental crutches is that sometimes they work...Then we run the risk of becoming feeling-centered again. p. 69
It isn't that my efforts now will result in success tomorrow. My diligent efforts now are success. p. 71
All the talk about motivation and addictive personality and mental readiness and decision making and positive thinking are ephemeral wisps compared to the truth of reality. p. 72
There are lots of hangers in the closets of our pasts...no single event 0 experience determines who we are. p. 75
Western psychology has taught us little about the operation of the human mind. p. 78
Both the Morita therapy and Naikan elements of Constructive Living require us to view every act as having moral implications. p. 82
Talking about Constructive Living is rather like hearing sports figures interviewed. Their talk is nothing compared to their performance. p. 83
Entrenched psychiatry departments stick to psychoanalysis and behavior therapy like they stick to IBM computers. They may not be the best and they may not be the most cost effective, but they are a safe managerial choice. p. 86
It is time that psychotherapists stop pretending they know what they don't really know. p. 87
We have been taught to focus on the faults and limitations of our parents and other significant others in our lives...We can blame them for our hang-ups and deficiencies. How convenient for us. p. 101
You can tell something about people's level of Naikan by observing how many paper towels they use in a public restroom or whether they leave the water running as they brush their teeth or how often they say or write thank you to their mother and father or what they do first when they come home from work. pp. 101-102
Unfolded pajamas means lack of proper gratitude toward the pajamas. Unshined shoes, an unmade bed, unwashed dishes are examples of the same principle. p. 103
In sum, then, it seems important for me to get on with living even though my understanding is terribly imperfect, even though reality doesn't meet my standards of ideal perfection, even though I am a flawed creature unsuited for easy accomplishment of many of the tasks I have set for myself. p. 108
Reality, the only show in town. Now playing. p. 133
In life you have to break in your own shoes. Some people try to do that by running away. 149
Rainbow Rising from a Stream. Morrow, New York, 1992.
Constructive Living (CL) is about being realistic. p. 8
Doing what needs to be done is about the natural, proper, fitting response to what springs from one's environment... Do what needs doing means fitting one's actions to the situation or circumstance. p. 16
You have been taught that feelings are the most important thing in your life. It isn't so. At the root of many problems in our country is this feeling-focus... You have been taught that you can "work on" your unpleasant feelings. It can't be done. Not only is it impossible to "work on" your depressed or anxious feelings; moreover, you have no need to "work on" them. p. 16
We invite our students to "try it and see what happens." We point out the undeniable truth that "you can't hit your wife if you're not in the same room with her." "You have no chance of succeeding on a job interview if you don't show up for the interview." p. 18
Constructive Living helps us take a realistic view of our imperfection, our unrealistic expectations, our flawed world. And we get on with our lives. p. 18
It is that very effort to eliminate neurotic moments from the mind that has caused some people to fall into an excess of suffering. Do what is right (not in some narrow moral sense, but what is appropriate, fitting, suitable to the situation), and the mind will take care of itself. There is no need to make a decision or commitment, no need to be empowered, no need to organize oneself or pull oneself together. p. 25
It is all right to dwell on past mistakes, to give up hope, to think negatively--while doing mindfully what is right in front of one's nose what needs doing. p. 26
Achieving some understanding of how our minds work neither gets rid of old habits of thinking and feeling nor eliminates the life problems associated with them. p. 27
In more recent times some people believe that salvation lies in discovering past childhood sexual abuse and allowing rage to emerge and be expressed. Salvation doesn't come that cheaply or that simply or that suddenly. Salvation, if such there be, must find itself worked out over and over moment by moment in life's eternal present. p. 28
Uncovering hidden feelings is rather like discovering hidden evil spirits and exorcising them. They don't exist, but if you can convince someone that they do exist you can charge them to get rid of them. p. 28
Neurosis isn't cured. It is outgrown or endured like an elder sibling's clothes. p. 31
Every feeling is a new feeling, just as every moment is a fresh one, emerging from and into Reality. p. 33
No amount of skill will remove our emotional reactions to disturbing or exciting stimuli..Emotions provide information about our world; to diminish them would be like wearing blinders. p. 37
Feelings send us important messages about what needs to be done in our lives. Don't forget that they are NOT the ONLY messages; they should not be the only determinants of our behavior. So working to "fix" feelings, instead of working to notice them and understand their messages, is a mistake. p. 37
My basic objection to alcohol and other drugs is that they interfere with our perception of reality. p. 41
Our eyes don't make reality holy, our actions don't make reality holy, it simply is that way. How reassuring! Because sometimes we forget. p. 46
Where do the fresh moments we experience come from? Where do our thoughts come from? Where do the words we speak come from? Where does the rich variety of Reality come from? p. 46
I want to put the mystery and transcendence back into our perception of everyday reality where it belongs. We can only see reality as "ordinary" by ignoring its magnificence. And so I resist making Constructive Living into a form of therapy, like Morita therapy and Naikan therapy. I want these ideas to be natural, normal parts of everyday life--not set apart as special techniques applicable only to the neurotic. p. 46
Delight brings the fear of losing the delight; success brings worries about sustaining the success. Good health brings concerns about losing it. The neurotic side of us finds the dark shadows surrounding every patch of sunlight. p. 56
What I am contending is that the discomfort we feel sometimes spurs us to do important things in our lives, and, sometimes, there are more important things for us to do than fight against discomfort. p. 61
We label the events in our lives "tragedies," "successes," "nightmares," "triumphs," "challenges," "defeats," and so forth. Reality doesn't mind, It just keeps on presenting us with information that deserves our attention and action. What we do about what Reality brings us is up to us. p. 63
We all learn to live in spite of our knowledge that we shall die someday. Whatever fate has in store for us, the anticipatory anxiety cannot be so disabling that we cannot live fully now. p. 65
I never met a mind that didn't judge. That's what minds do--they discriminate, evaluate. Everybody's mind does that. What makes some humans stand out from others is that they don't let their judging minds push their behavior around. p. 72
Getting caught up in an obsession with perfecting the mind is itself a sort of narrow-mindedness. p. 72
A life philosophy is the product of one's life, not the other way around. We don't choose a lifeway and then live by it. We grow a life philosophy over years of living one. p. 74
When feelings are considered to be merely markers of past parental mistakes or signs of current psychological diagnostic categories or indications of the working of the unconscious (or other mystical, untestable constructions) then the feelings themselves are primarily tokens of "more important" phenomena. p. 77
Creative thoughts, like any thoughts, come from nowhere or some "unknownwhere" and flash into my mind. p. 79
Creative ideas and grand dreams are fairly common; actualizing them is much less common. p. 80
The best way to meet others' needs is not to be their obedient slave. That is mere cowardice and laziness. p. 82
We all have scrapes on our knees. Scrapes, too, are nothing special. p. 85
I used to think that some people were born with common sense and some were born without it. Now I know that common sense is earned by many experiences and many failures. p. 85
Reality keeps telling us that we do and die alone, no matter how many people are nearby. p. 86
Pride in oneself is a pale cousin to the much more solid confidence in reality. p. 87
Giving yourself away out of habit or timidity is merely inefficient and exhausting. p. 88
It is fine to be a beginner, even a fool. We can't be proficient at everything, especially at first. Experience gives us a shot at competency. Daydreams don't. p. 90
My earnings are the result of a cooperative venture whether I choose to recognize it or not. p. 104
The reflection aspect of Constructive Living ties us into the surrounding world with particular intimacy and the desire for reciprocity. p. 109
Constructive Living is not merely another language; Constructive Living is your native language. p. 125
There is Reality's work only you can do. p. 126
Happy birthday, Mom. Without yours I wouldn't have one. Love, Your child. p. 126
I've had lots of troubles in my life and most of them never happened. --David Miles p. 126
Plunging Through the Clouds. Albany, SUNY Press, 1993.
There is no worry-free existence for humans. p. ix
The hope of completely eliminating neurotic suffering either by talking or by medication seems pretty much gone, I think. p. ix
Talking with the aim of developing some magical insight does little more than make self-centered people more self-centered. Students learn that it is unnecessary to 'fix' feelings or become 'comfortable' with an activity before undertaking it. p. ix
Deserving or not, we continue to be supported by reality. Gratitude and a desire to work at repaying our debt to others replace our greedy endeavors to make sure we get our share. p. 7
We see too many Western clients encouraged to work on their anger, their hidden grief, their self-esteem, their lack of confidence. They are thus inappropriately distracted from the necessary action of daily living. p. 15
Constructive Living can be seen as part of a general trend away from expressive, explorative modalities toward therapeutic styles emphasizing behavioral change and responsibility. p. 16
And even as I work to reduce it I must accept all the suffering which presents itself to me, including my own. p. 24
In order to give failure the chance to become success it is necessary to continue to take constructive action. Potential success, like any other form of potential, is like collateral. It's only useful when, with help, you can turn it from possibility into reality. p. 24
Thanks to this pen I write; not to pens in general. p. 24
Reality doesn't reward intent. It can only respond to action. p. 25
Overprotection of a child is Constrictive Loving, not Constructive Living. p. 25
(Morita) remarked that he would go out of this world as he had come into it, afraid and crying. There was no need to affect some artificial postureナ p. 172
People don't change by preaching. -Yoshimoto p. 180
You are fooled by your mind, which thinks there will be a tomorrow, into wasting yourself today. -Yoshimoto p. 182
Constructive Living. Honolulu, University of Hawaii Press, 1984.
In other words, we only hurt when we notice that we are hurting. p. 3
Each of us is aware, painfully aware, of some of the ways we keep ourselves from being who we want to be. p. 9 Neurotic obsessed suffering is essential for greatness. p. 23
That reality of pain will rise into our awareness again and again to test the measure of our life solutions. p. 23
A trip of ten thousand miles starts out with one step, not with a fantasy about travel. p. 24
It is the action of walking that shows us where the path leads. p. 24
If we understand the meaning behind what appears to be a lie, we find truth. p. 26
Behind every neurotic symptom is the misdirected desire to live fully and well. p. 27
Failure presents something else for us to do, just as success does. p. 30
Never deny reality. To pretend, to ignore, to wish never changes anything. p. 35
Shyness isn't like a blemish. It isn't something that can be neatly excised by some mystical mental surgery. p. 35
That's what maturity is all about--not feeling confident all the time but doing what needs doing regardless of your feelings. p. 37
Anyone who says he isn't afraid of anything is both stupid and lying. Fear is a healthy emotion. p. 40
Stress comes with success as well as with failure. p. 42
Grief doesn't automatically bring qualities of strength, depth of character, and empathy. It is the response to grief that enables us to grow. p. 46
Illness sets up a new set of constraints and possibilities for life. p. 49
If there's anything that pain does very well, it is to bring us back to the here and now and force us to find meaning in the present. p. 49
Some patients pass away skillfully. That is a remarkable feat because almost no one has the chance to practice dying. p. 50
If you have to be perfect before offering help to those nearby, you will never lend a hand. p. 54
Love comes and goes. It fades in time unless restimulated. p. 55
Unless your behavior remains under the control of your good sense, romance will lead you into trouble and then slip away, leaving you with memories and regrets. p. 55
Love grown wisely and patiently presents a perfect opportunity to give up the self in a positive way. p. 58
You might be surprised at how many people are hurting but don't want to change their lives. p. 64
To be courageous or to feel courage is not the same as to do courage. p. 65
Society doesn't force us to do anything. Society, like neurosis, is an abstraction...We're influenced by real circumstances and real people, not by the abstraction "society." p. 67
Dying is neither good nor bad. It is just part of life driving: purposeful, destination-bound driving. All the while noticing the scenery. p. 70
I believe we have entered an era in which we can no longer afford therapies that push for expression of feelings at the cost of responsibility...Psychotherapies fit the times. In eras of affluence we find therapies that emphasize expressiveness and consumption--the conspicuous display of years of expensive psychoanalysis, for example...Our natural resources and our basic environmental quality are declining as a result of years of self-centered unconcern and a self-expressive value system that ignored responsibility and service and patience. p. 75
It is the achieving, not the achievement, that is valuable and controllable. Remember: Whether success or failure comes, reality always brings something to be done next. p. 80
The next time you feel depressed and unloved make something with your own hands for someone else. p. 86
Pick a time when you have been sitting around feeling sorry for yourself, grab some big bags, and set out to fill them with litter from your neighborhood. p. 86
The key to successful living is to pay attention and act purposefully. Life won't be trouble free that way--but then no life is trouble free. p. 92
Don't put your life on hold. p. 93
Have it be the way it is. p. 93
Self-centeredness is suffering. p. 97
Flounder with full attention. p. 98
Feelings are for feeling. Feelings aren't for explaining, for justifying, or for acting out. p. 99
If it's raining and you have an umbrella, use it. Don't endure unpleasant circumstances that can be changed by action. p. 99
Behavior wags the tail of feelings. p. 100
Flowing Bridges, Quiet Waters. Reynolds, David K., ed. Albany, SUNY Press, 1989.
To automatically discount the potential usefulness of a therapy form only because it originated elsewhere seems harsh. p. 2
While recognizing that parents may cause difficulties for their children, Naikan asks the client to consider as well the services parents provided and the troubles children caused them. Someone in our past changed our diapers and their service or cooperated in it or not. p. 7
Naikan theory holds that we systematically ignore our debt to the world because we fear the consequences of facing it. p. 7
One key advantage of redefining the self as situationally-couched is that the promise of flexibility is clear; we change as our circumstances change. p. 13
There is no fixed character, set in the first four years or so of life, that will determine our lives in some inevitable manner. p. 13
In 1988 the World Health Organization and the government of the People's Republic of China sponsored a workshop where I trained Chinese psychiatrists in Constructive Living. p. 16
Constructive Living teaches only how to be "nothing special." p. 21
We are all takers from the world. p. 32
Of course, these systems make no claim to solve all human problems for all humans. Those poor people who are suffering from neurosis still need jobs, cancer patients still need medication, the socially oppressed still need structural and value changes in the larger society...Recognizing the concrete, detailed truth that someone nurtured us, fed us, clothed us when we were helpless infants (whether they felt like it or not, whether we appreciated and thanked them or not) is an important consideration for the battered wife and for the rape victim and for the alienated businessman and for the elite college professor. p. 181
Our social debts may not be ignored as we act to attain/preserve our social rights. p. 181
Some have misunderstood Morita and Naikan therapies to be supportive of the status quo. Far from it. p. 181
The Quiet Therapies. Honolulu, University Press of Hawaii, 1980.
He has provided us with a kind of phenomenological operationalism, a guide to arriving at certain experiences. p. 3
If limited categorical definitions of human experience are all science can use, then perhaps no accurate understanding of human experience is possible. But if we allow empathy, introspection, and operational approaches to experience into respectable scientific circles, we might begin to map out a fuller predictive science of the mind. p. 3
Submitting to my whims or fancies or moods produces no satisfaction with myself or with life; such submission produces little other than painful confrontations with reality (deadlines, for example, or periods of sitting around feeling vaguely depressed, trying to decide what I feel like doing. p. 16
My goal in the moment is to write. I write. Distractions come. They pass through my mind...Clinging to my purpose, I write. And, without fail, once the putting of words on paper has begun, there are periods in which I am only writing. p. 17
That is, much of life is lived (acted on) because something simply has to be done--and not because one feels like doing it. p. 17
As time passed, Morita's notions began to make not only academic, but also experiential, sense to me. p. 37
The past is fixed; we cannot change it. The traumas and failures of my past life cannot be undone. But my understanding of my past can change. p. 48
In the process of growing up we develop life strategies that emphasize what we can take from others. We accept numerous kindnesses without acknowledging, appreciating, or extending them (either in return to or along to others). p. 49
One does not--one did not--suffer alone. Naikan promises such discoveries of self. p. 65
How much of our lives is spent in reverie, in wishing for what cannot be, in regretting what might have been avoided. These obsessions steal from us the moments of the now. p. 94
We hide from our impotence and aloneness in shelters of conformity, routine, dependency; in the limited cellars of sex, power, and money; in the illusion that tomorrow will not bring pain, suffering, aging, and death. p. 100
We tend to describe ourselves in terms of absolutes. Am I weak or strong?..But when I look within myself, when I examine my experience carefully, I find a condition much too complex to be put into words. I am both weak and strong in various mixtures in various situations in various times...lt is the change or flux that is real. p. 102
The misfocused mind is overly self-focused, selfish. p. 103
Talking may be used to reveal oneself to oneself and to others. But perhaps it is used more often to disguise and conceal our inner states. pp. 103-104
The sadness, joy, hope, fear, loneliness, passion, and despair of each moment becomes acceptable title pages to the constantly changing monograph of my life. No experience needs to be hidden away in a footnote or appendix. p. 106
With few, minor exceptions, Western psychotherapy can be characterized as verbal exchanges aimed at elimination of symptoms. p. 110
My symptoms are me. They are not an external, isolated problem of mine... p. 110
Naikan Psychotherapy: Meditation for Self Development. Chicago, University of Chicago Press, 1983.
For Naikan offers this profound insight into human existence: that each of us, by his or her own standards, fails to live a life of balanced giving and receiving. We take without thought, much less gratitude. p. 1
Naikan produces guilt, to be sure. But it is not the shallow, immobilizing guilt of the neurotic. Rather it is a healthy, realistic, penetrating guilt which prods to purposeful action, self-sacrifice, and the soothing awareness that despite one's own limitations others have continued to provide love and support. p. 1
Naikan taps the energy we us to hide our dark side from others and from ourselves. It turns that energy of camouflage into gratitude, repentance, and an awareness that we were loved, are loved in spite of our imperfections. p. 3
The gratitude spreads beyond human relationships to the grateful use of things. Water, air, electricity can be used well, allowing these life elements to fulfill their purposes before "dying." p. 87
We have indulged in the unmerited favor of those around us, quickly forgetting the large and small deeds afforded us by others, 'remembering, rather, what we have done for them and the trouble they have caused us. p.89
If one could truly stand in another's shoes one would not do him wrong. p. 90
We learn early to use people, to take from them and to cover up our taking...When we understand who we really are there is no need for external commands to do this or do that, rather, spontaneously, even joyfully we lose ourselves in the service of those around us. p. 90
Cure doesn't necessarily mean doing away with the presenting complaint. p. 99
If this norm of reciprocity...is universal, as both Gouldner and Yoshimoto hold, it appears that Naikan is tapping something broader than narrow Japanese cultural norms, something panhuman. p. 102
What have you done lately for water, or your pen, or your reading chair? p. 104
The neurotic, suffering person has the potential for an even better than normal life once his improper, inefficient suffering-producing attitudes and behaviors are properly channeled. p. 112
The tears are not only tears of remorse but more often tears of relief at being able to think and speak about the self-centered, voracious aspect of one's identity. p. 133
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